A recluse living in the Rocky Mountains with his dog, Shawnee, White Feather tells stories that lead us back to the primal joy of our existence. His philosophical and metaphysical essays push the envelope of our perspectives while grounding us to the feelings that connect us with our source. With insight and feeling, White Feather shares his journey through the shift in consciousness the world is going through, compelling us to look at our own journey. To discuss White Feather's writings and other philosophical and metaphysical subjects with others, visit White Feather Forum.
Thursday, September 02, 2004
Happiness in Marriage
by White Feather
No one can make a person happy except that person. You can express happiness, but you can't force another to be happy. That is an infringement of free-will. A marriage is a contract between two individuals to experience a time-frame together but each individual is responsible for their own happiness. When one individual looks to the other for happiness, they will never find the real deal because the real deal can only be found within. They may still find a lot of good stuff together, but the real deal is within. When one individual attempts to force their perception of happiness on the other, that short-circuits both individual's ability to find happiness within.
We marry someone because we love them. Of course we want them to be happy. But it is not our duty to make them happy, because we can't! All we can do is go within ourselves and find our own true happiness and then exude it and project it out for our partner to see how grand the happiness within can be. But you can't force a partner, or anyone, to go within. You can only be an example.
If you feel like your spouse's happiness is your responsibility, then you're going to feel guilty every time they're not happy. Why would you do that to yourself? You're loading yourself down with sticky gooey tarry guilt for not doing something that you can't do anyway. And then, the more unhappy he/she is, the more guilt you feel, and then arises the possibility of you blaming him/her for your guilt. This is keeping you from finding your happiness within. The only way off this emotional see-saw is to just stop. You've got to get off the seesaw long enough in order to go within.
Happiness is something that we share with our partner. We share our own happiness with them, but we do not impose that happiness on them and we do not try to direct their happiness. All we can do is share unconditionally. The very second we expect a certain type of response or the very second we judge a response that we are getting, we are being conditional, and we're back on that seesaw. If we are sharing our happiness with our mate and we are EXPECTING ANYTHING AT ALL IN RETURN!, then we are not sharing unconditionally.
No one can keep you from the birthright that is your happiness within unless you allow them to--and even then it is still YOU that are keeping yourself from finding the happiness within through your allowance. Just don't blame him/her. That's just more sticky gooey tar for the mix.
Blame, fear, doubt, sorrow, anger...whew, it can get pretty sticky and gooey and tarry. But how do we get out of sticky, gooey tar? By releasing all judgment! Expectations are a judgment. In releasing expectations and other judgments that we hold about our partner, we find a whole new layer of expectations and judgments we didn't even know we had. We release those and then we find another whole layer of expectations and judgments. Most marriage partnerships have many, many layers of goo. It can take a while to release all those many layers of expectaions and judgments, but when we do and our partner is still there, then we've got a pretty darn good love bond with them. And if, after all the releasing of judgment, the partner is no longer there; that is okay, too, because we will have found our happiness. If we are holding fear and doubt and expectation as to whether or not they will still be there, then we are just adding more judgment rather than releasing it. And if we are dependent in any way on them for our happiness, then we will never find it.
Yes, what I am saying may sound extreme, but it is the point everyone will eventually get to, so we may as well start thinking about it now to help draw that point closer to you. Every single relationship reaches a point where the two individuals must release each other. It is my contention that you cannot truly love someone until you completely release them. To me, the wedding seems to be the best time to release someone. That almost never happens. Most of us won't release our mates until either we or they die--and even then many of us won't release. Marriage is too often used as a crutch rather than a co-creative partnership. We hold on to our partners for dear life and in the process we strangle each other and keep each other from the happiness within. Release.
Copyright © 2003-2004, by White Feather. All Rights Reserved. Books By White Feather
No one can make a person happy except that person. You can express happiness, but you can't force another to be happy. That is an infringement of free-will. A marriage is a contract between two individuals to experience a time-frame together but each individual is responsible for their own happiness. When one individual looks to the other for happiness, they will never find the real deal because the real deal can only be found within. They may still find a lot of good stuff together, but the real deal is within. When one individual attempts to force their perception of happiness on the other, that short-circuits both individual's ability to find happiness within.
We marry someone because we love them. Of course we want them to be happy. But it is not our duty to make them happy, because we can't! All we can do is go within ourselves and find our own true happiness and then exude it and project it out for our partner to see how grand the happiness within can be. But you can't force a partner, or anyone, to go within. You can only be an example.
If you feel like your spouse's happiness is your responsibility, then you're going to feel guilty every time they're not happy. Why would you do that to yourself? You're loading yourself down with sticky gooey tarry guilt for not doing something that you can't do anyway. And then, the more unhappy he/she is, the more guilt you feel, and then arises the possibility of you blaming him/her for your guilt. This is keeping you from finding your happiness within. The only way off this emotional see-saw is to just stop. You've got to get off the seesaw long enough in order to go within.
Happiness is something that we share with our partner. We share our own happiness with them, but we do not impose that happiness on them and we do not try to direct their happiness. All we can do is share unconditionally. The very second we expect a certain type of response or the very second we judge a response that we are getting, we are being conditional, and we're back on that seesaw. If we are sharing our happiness with our mate and we are EXPECTING ANYTHING AT ALL IN RETURN!, then we are not sharing unconditionally.
No one can keep you from the birthright that is your happiness within unless you allow them to--and even then it is still YOU that are keeping yourself from finding the happiness within through your allowance. Just don't blame him/her. That's just more sticky gooey tar for the mix.
Blame, fear, doubt, sorrow, anger...whew, it can get pretty sticky and gooey and tarry. But how do we get out of sticky, gooey tar? By releasing all judgment! Expectations are a judgment. In releasing expectations and other judgments that we hold about our partner, we find a whole new layer of expectations and judgments we didn't even know we had. We release those and then we find another whole layer of expectations and judgments. Most marriage partnerships have many, many layers of goo. It can take a while to release all those many layers of expectaions and judgments, but when we do and our partner is still there, then we've got a pretty darn good love bond with them. And if, after all the releasing of judgment, the partner is no longer there; that is okay, too, because we will have found our happiness. If we are holding fear and doubt and expectation as to whether or not they will still be there, then we are just adding more judgment rather than releasing it. And if we are dependent in any way on them for our happiness, then we will never find it.
Yes, what I am saying may sound extreme, but it is the point everyone will eventually get to, so we may as well start thinking about it now to help draw that point closer to you. Every single relationship reaches a point where the two individuals must release each other. It is my contention that you cannot truly love someone until you completely release them. To me, the wedding seems to be the best time to release someone. That almost never happens. Most of us won't release our mates until either we or they die--and even then many of us won't release. Marriage is too often used as a crutch rather than a co-creative partnership. We hold on to our partners for dear life and in the process we strangle each other and keep each other from the happiness within. Release.
Copyright © 2003-2004, by White Feather. All Rights Reserved. Books By White Feather
